Ok, not ME personally, before you all delete me as your Facebook friend…
On Friday, I had the pleasure of transporting 5 x 8 year olds to the Planetarium for a school outing.
You know what the general 8 year old stage is like – all teeth, feet and dorkiness? Well, try having 5 of those on the back seat for an hour and a half… I guarantee you will need a shot of something strong by the time you get home.
The trip there was relatively incident free, all of them insisted on singing a different song, at the same time, at the tops of their voices – but I was happy, it allowed me to go into ‘Driver Day Dream’ mode while they entertained themselves. We got cool parking ( cool people get cool parking, as my mom always says ) and off they trotted to watch Davey Dragon save the planets while Mommy and Debbie plonked themselves in the Trendy Che Bar in Long Street.
After 2 hours, and way too many cappuccino’s, we buzzed back to the Planetarium to pick up the sprogs, and this is where the fun begins…
‘Right Troops, put your lunches in the boot, and jump in the car’
Kid 1: SHOTGUN!
Kid 2: SHOTGUN!
Kid 3: SHOTGUN!
Kid 4: SHOTGUN!
Kid 5: SHOTGUN!
All a millisecond apart… Ok, I am a fair, controlled mother – ha ha – whatever, my mind is frantically thinking – Which kid deserves to sit on the front seat??
‘Ok, Kid 1 – you sat in the front on the way here, so you’re out. Kid 2 – you are my kid and you should let your friends have a chance blah blah blah.’
This still leaves me with 3, sweaty, irritated, Cheese Curl covered sprogs to fight with.
‘Right, lets Paper, Rock, Scissors it then. You three, when I say go, CHING CHONG CHA!’
1,2,3 - GO!
Ok, one last time – GO!
By this time I’m Sweaty, irritated and also covered in Cheese Curls and just grab the biggest kid and stick him in the front – my practical mind telling me there will be more space for the others on the back seat.
Minute by minute the noise is getting louder and louder, and they are getting sillier and sillier… About halfway home, my child gets the giggles. Like, the real giggles.. She is sat on someone else’s lap and has just farted. The boy next to her is saying, Oh gross, you are so GROSS!! She laughs so much that by now she is farting uncontrollably, I am trying to be the ‘mom’ and reprimand her for not having any manners, but by now I’ve got the giggles too. After a couple of minutes of near hysteria, silence fills the car for about 30 seconds. Then a small, sweet, very ladylike voice pipes up from behind me: “Miss, that’s nothing – I can fart through my Belly Button” ……….. ‘Really Sweetheart? Wow, that’s amazing, what a clever party trick!’ ( I know you’re all going to try it now… )
The boy on the front seat is now SO glad I chose him to sit up front, and told me a loooong in-depth, detailed conversation about how he speaks 3 languages fluently because his dad is Turkish, his mom is Afrikaans, and his Granny is English.
Front Seat Boy: “ So, because I can speak 3 languages my dad is taking me overseas next week so show me off to my uncle in Turkey who rides a Harley Davidson, EXACTLY like the one in front of us now, but sometimes he drives a truck EXACTLY like the one on the left of us now, and then sometimes he…….BLECH”
Me: “ Erm, Sorreee - did you just puke in my car??????”
Front Seat Boy: (very garbled and muffled) “Yesh,sorry,I caught mosht of it in my tie sho don’t worry, I’ll jusht shpit the rest out the window – Bleeeccchpppuuuke”
Now I have 3-language-Front-Seat-Boys sick all down the side of my newly polished car.
That’s it. I have DONE my good mom deed for the year, so I put my foot flat and raced back to school at break neck speed.
Very Calm-In-Control-Non-Driving-Teacher: “ Oh Kerry, Thank You SOOO much for taking lifts today !”
Oh think nothing of it darlin, it was an absolute vriggin PLEASURE. But I think I will be very conveniently ILL for the trip to the Science Centre next term.