Friday, June 20, 2008

If Music be the food of love.. play on

So, as most of you know, I absolutely love love love music. All kinds of music, and at the moment (thanks to my kitchen draw spring clean) I am ‘into’ 90’s music. Yes people, 90’s music. Move over you big haired, skinny jean wearing, punk, electric keyboard junkies…. The 90’s is the new 80’s in our house.

I found a very scratched 90’s cd in my bottom kitchen draw, gave it a puff of breath and a wipe on my food stained shirt and prayed the Cd player would read it. Aha! My luck was in. The first song that belted out across the kitchen was……… Black Velvet. One of my favourite favourite songs. When I grow up I am going to sing it full blast into a microphone on the stage at the Royal Albert Hall. And yes I will be famous. Ok, famous for being the crappest Black Velvet singer EVER, but still, very famous. I have practiced it loads of times into my hairbrush, and I’m not half bad. Ok, my girls think I’m absolutely crazy most of the time, but tonight they gave up and joined me singing it at the tops of our voices while we made pasta. Well, I made pasta and the girls flicked it all over the kitchen trying to eat it and dance and sing, all at the same time.

The next song on my very scratched CD was …… MmmBop! By the Hansen Brothers. They were only ever famous for like one song, and they were about 12 when they recorded the CD. But hats off to them, they made one kick ass song, and I love it. Yes, Yes I’m weird, but I GUARANTEE you this: if you are feeling Crap, turn this song up full blast and sing all the words at the top of your lungs. Ok, most of the words are just MmmBop, Bop, Bop, Doo, Bop ,Doo Bop, Bop, Bop Doo…..
Stupid words, but very catchy, and oh so very cool.

Track 15 was my favourite song in Middle School – Lemon Tree. Oh my word. No wonder I never had any friends in Middle School. I sang this song all the time to everyone I saw, thinking I was highly funky and hip. No Kerry, you were not. The words are completely whacked and clearly written by addicts, high on coke, heroin, ganja and whatever else was being passed around at the time. Its so weird. And the weirdest thing? I still know every single word. I know.

Music is by far the best emotion stimulant in a chick. When you’re feeling sorry for yourself, you blast some soppy number like “Roxette – It must have been love” grab your fluffy pillow and cry into it until you can’t breathe, your nose is bright red, there’s snot running down your face and your eyes look like you’ve just had a round with Mike Tyson. And all because of Roxette. Then you get over yourself after playing the song on repeat for 3 hours, grab your sister, best friend or even a roaming child and switch over to ‘I will survive’ bouncing around on your bed (hopefully with your hairbrush like me) feeling confident, inspired, womens libbish and run out and change all your ‘stupid locks’…

Oh but now… THEE best music by far has to be the music they play while you are SHOPPING. Now, I absolutely hate shopping. I know, I’m not a real girl – don’t get me wrong, I love to have the stuff, but I cant be bothered to shlep around, walk from shop to shop, try this on, look fat in that, swipe the card, sign the slip, lug the heavy bags around, oh no – its so, well, so……… boring. But I have strayed from the point here. Ok, back to music.

For example: on a Thursday at our local supermarket it is pensioners day. So the background music is… erm, well, very …. War-like. You know the stuff I’m talking about, slow, soothing, 1940’s red lipstick wearing housewife stuff. They throw a bit of Pavarotti in here and there for effect, but the problem is that it makes these people walk even slower than they already are walking. Now, I love old people to bits ( Hazel, that’s for you, before you shoot me down for not liking them ) I think they are very wise, they have excellent stories, and if you sit and have tea with a granny, you will feel warm and fuzzy guaranteed, BUT it was proved to me one day that the music does affect their speed.

Ok, you know when you hear that slow music, you push your trolley around gracefully, slowly, and you glide like a ballet dancer from aisle to aisle, beaming at everyone along the way? Well, one Thursday morning halfway through ‘Mozart Symphony No7’, the Pick n Pay DJ clearly felt like a laugh and changed the music for just one song to: ‘The Scissor Sisters: I Don’t feel like Dancin’… WELL, the grannies and grandpa’s changed in 3 seconds from snails to energizer bunnies on speed, and buzzed around the fruit and veg section, all the while walking really quickly (practically running) to the paced up beat. One couple even did a Scissor Sisters twirl and the grandpa threw the granny up in the air and she shot through his legs like something off a Michael Flatley Lord of the Dance show. ( ok, I threw that in for effect, but I imagine that would be really funny)

Last week I was looking for new sunglasses on one of those twirly stand things, and ‘Greased Lightning’ suddenly blared from the speakers. Well that was me off, I whipped the twirly whirly stand thing around 16 times at top speed, grabbed a huge pair of black shades and transformed into Sandi, wiggling and jiggling down all of the aisles. I just wish I was as thin, but I do have the big hair, so halfway there.

I must just end by saying though, that I personally think its healthy to have a varied taste in music. For example I transferred a guy to the other side of town the other night (ok, he was very drunk and I had to keep stopping for him to be sick – disgusting) and ALL he spoke about was ‘Electro’ music. In his Souf-London Accent, he told me EVRYFINK about Electro music there is to know. “ I mean I love Electro”, he says, “ I’ve got an Electro t-shirt, an Electro mug, an Electro bag, Electro friends, Electro party people………”
Me (smirking sweetly and being sarcastic) : “ Wow, that’s fantastic! And if you don’t stop talking and throwing up in exactly 5 seconds….. I’m going to Electro you RIGHT out of my here car, so please…. Shut up?” Unhealthy obsession I tell you, innit?

Oh before I go, I must tell you about my failed dinner – I decided to cook steak while the kids were away ( because its cheap for 2 to eat steak - bad mother, I know ) anyway, I just got my pj’s on, poured myself a glass of wine, put my music on, and started cooking dinner. I was just getting into the swing of things, steak in the oven, rice rinsing and roasted veggies in the tray waiting to go into the oven. Oh the domestic goddess that I am..

‘Brrrriiinnggg, Brrriiingg’ – my phone rang – Hey Kerry! Could you take someone to Cape-Town for me, right now?? Smiling Sweetly I obliged, whilst wishing I had the balls to stand up to people, and chucked my dinner back in the fridge. I turned around to grab the roasting veggie thing, and the cat lifted her back leg and p**sed in all the vegetables… Well, everything went into the bin, vegetables, dish and cat, and I grabbed my keys, flicked my hair over my shoulder and walked out. The joys of working for oneself, and having to put up with incontinent cats.

Ok, my eyes are burning from writing this, I must go get some kip.

Keep Smiling my special blog-readers,
Oh, and tell me something…………………………..

R u Bored?

Me xxx

1 comment:

Kerri said...

Oh my word friend! That is the funniest thing i have ever read!
U are fabulous!!