So, I’ve just read a really funny book by Sophie Kinsella, entitled: Can You Keep a Secret?
Basically this woman spills all of her funniest girlie secrets out to this guy sitting next to her on a plane, and then she meets up with him in a surprising situation and he subtly drops out all of her dirty dark secrets, such as : ‘I hate wearing g-strings, they are really uncomfortable’ ; ‘ I secretly water my b*tch colleagues spider plant with orange juice and she can’t understand why it doesn’t grow’; ‘ I told my boyfriend I’m a size 8, when actually I’m a 12, so I have to squash into all of the tiny uncomfortable underwear he buys me’ blah blah blah... I won’t tell you the rest, otherwise it spoils the book. Its really funny - READ IT!
But it made me realize how we all have these funny little secrets & habits, so here goes! I will share some of mine with you……get comfortable, this could be good for a laugh:
1) I hate wearing colours. My wardrobe consists of black, brown, grey, some more black, maybe a splash of white or blue, some more black.. and that’s it. I feel stupid in colours, like I’m drawing attention to myself and I cant stand it. Plus, BIG plus, Black makes you thinner. Seriously.
2) I always read the back of the sugar packets in coffee shops. Did you know they have little sayings on them!? Like: If you can dream it, you can achieve it. And stuff. I pick the best one, or the one I think applies to me that day and only use that one in my coffee. Yesterdays one said: “Outside noisy, inside empty“– Chinese proverb . That’s so true don’t you think? People that are noisy on the outside are often empty on the inside. I can be like that sometimes, if I’m feeling really crap or nervous, then I over-compensate by being really loud or blabbing about the STUPIDEST stuff and the inner me is screaming: SHUT UP KERRY, JUST SHUT UP!!
3) I once stole a bottle of wine from my Dad’s room and then spent 3 hours running round every bottle store trying to replace it. So, I was desperate and downed his bottle of Robertson Cabernet 2005. Do you think I could find the same bottle ANYWHERE?? Noooo… 2006 – yes! 2007 – yes! 2008 – yes! 2005 – no ways….. Great. Now what?!! After spending literally 3 hours running round every bottle store in town and with only 15 minutes to spare until he came home, I decided to go for the 2006 bottle and carefully put it back, hoping and praying like hell he wouldn’t notice when he walked in. He didn’t notice. And he never found out. Oh, and if I’d known it was that expensive, I would never have stolen it in the first place, just for the record.
4) Sometimes I feed my kids beans on toast and tell them its ultra-healthy as it contains 4 essential food groups:
Beans – Beans & Lentils group – oh cr*p, I cant think what its called. Legumes??
Bread – Carbohydrates
Butter – Fats
Cheese – Protein
And most times I chuck them an apple to include the fruit & veg group. And the worst part? I don’t have a guilty conscience doing it…. Such a bad mom.
5) On very rare occasions when I see some-one I don’t want to talk to in the shops, I flip my phone open and natter away to nobody, just so I don’t have to talk to them…. Ok, that’s a bad one. But you know when you just feel so terrible, everything’s going wrong that day and you cant remember if you even brushed your teeth that morning? Ok – you definitely never brushed your teeth.. AND you’re wearing your jeans that your baby puked on 3 days ago. In the distance you spot your funky, single, childless friend from school, ultra-thin, ultra-gorgeous, ultra-manicured, ultra-not stressed and you just think – sh*t I CANNOT talk to this person?? That’s when I use the ‘flip up phone and talk to no-one technique!’
6) If I’m sad I blast out SAD SAD songs, sing loudly and badly along to the lyrics, chunk my heart out, do the really ugly cry, and usually feel so much better afterwards!
7) This one is pretty embarrassing and I think I’ve mentioned this before, but whenever I eat something REALLY yummy, I have to say ‘delicious’ after I’ve eaten it. Even in company – I’ll cough it under my breath…its so embarrassing.
8) I never ever have n*okie with my socks on. Never. Its just gross.
9) I make loads of lists and hardly accomplish anything on them, or feel better for making the practical list, then promptly close the book and never look at the list again. This could be why I never seem to finish anything…hmmm…..
10) I really really really want to bungy jump.. We have the highest jump in the world here (216m!) and I really want to do it, BUT I’m so scared I will lose my feet. Yes, my feet. I have a fear they will just snap off and be left in the loops on the bungy cord while I go crashing into the river below – footless.
Ok, I think 10 is enough for one day.. Leave a comment with one of your dirty secrets, just one will do, and I will compile them all for a laugh – anonymously of course!!